Is it worth it? That's the question I can't seem to get out of my head since my conversation with Meredith. Is it worth it? Is happiness with Mark, no matter how long or short that time period may be, worth the risk? Is it worth the pain that may come?

Maybe I'm supposed to take my own advice. Maybe I should give this a try, give us a chance. I won't know the outcome until I try, right?

But what if I don't come out of it? What happens when I can't handle the pain or the hurt? Do I just go on, say that I tried, and that's it?

I find my mind running in circles. I can't make up my mind. I can't sleep with everything going on in my head. It's worth it...I know it is. But am I strong enough to get through it?

Complications. As surgeons, we encounter them all the time, and when we do, we do everything we can to save the patient. We do what we want, we do what the textbooks say and we get the best outcome we can.

In life it's not so simple. We can't always do what we want because our brain tells us otherwise. There are no textbooks that we can refer back to. It's all about choices; the choices our brain makes and the choices our heart makes. We can choose to follow either one, and sometimes it isn't, or doesn't seem to be, the best decision.

Mark and I are over, and I can't seem to convince myself that this truly is for the best. I keep telling myself that, but it doesn't feel that way. The things he said keep playing in my head and it's even harder to believe that I made the right decision.

You're the only girl I ever loved and I never could tell you that...And I remember telling myself that if I EVER had the chance to be with you, to hold you, to make love to you; to tell you that I loved you that I wouldn't screw it up. That I'd hold onto you and treasure you and never let you go because you were the only girl I ever loved.

Before today, I would have caved; I would have taken him back. But I know now that I'm incapable of being happy with someone else. Fate has decided that I can't, and I can't. There's no use in fighting it because why fight for something when you know it's just going to fall apart, and there's the possibility that you can't pick up the pieces. Logic tells me that this is what's best for the both of us, but I can't fully believe that.

It's his smell, the sound of his voice, the feeling of his arms around me, and the words he uttered. I couldn't forget, and I didn't want to. But I can't let him go completely if I don't.

I want to be with you Addison. I want to marry you and I want to have a baby with you. And even though WE aren't pregnant I don't care. I still want to be with you because I LOVE YOU and thats never going to change.

I don't doubt what he said, but I don't doubt that I'm ill-fated either. Just one look at my marriage and my history with men will tell you that.

Why do these things have to be so hard? Why couldn't there be some kind of book of answers? Why do I keep making these stupid decisions that I invariably regret?

I'm scared; truly and utterly scared. Everything that is happening, everything that is going to happen scares me. I hate to be so pessimistic, but things are going well right now, a little too well, and I'm scared that it's all just going to crumble around me.

Mark is being...Mark, and he won't stop being perfect. He keeps saying the most breathtaking things and I just can't think when I'm around him. I just want everything to be perfect for us. I've fought for my dying marriage for too long, I don't think I have the strength to fight any longer. I need this to be perfect. I need this to work out. I want us to live happily ever after in the end. I'm sure that won't ever be the case, but I wish it'd turn out as close to 'happily ever after' as possible.

And Derek and I are on speaking terms. That's a good thing I suppose. Everything's a little awkward, but it's alright. Derek as an individual however, not so good. Mark, unfortunately, did quite a number on his arm, but luckily it's nothing time won't heal.

Time. It's all we have and all we really need. Time will eventually take the pain away. It will bring more moments of happiness, but also more moments of pain. God, I don't want to go through everything I did with Derek all over again. I really don't think I could handle another failed relationship, which brings up the possibility of a baby.

I know I'm not pregnant. I'm almost positive I'm not; it's just a feeling. But Mark really wants this baby. Why? I really don't know. My marriage isn't over, we haven't gotten married, we haven't really done anything. But he wants this baby so I guess I do too because he wants it. How I'm going to handle being pregnant, I don't know either. But I'm certain I'm not so I have some time to figure it out.

I really don't know what the future holds, and I'm a little scared to find out. I hope the pains of ending my marriage officially is minimal. I'm wishing that things stay the way they are between Mark and I. I want everything to be great. But what if that doesn't happen?

Where do I go from here? Everything I’ve known for the last third of my life is gone; completely turned upside down. How do things just change in the blink of the eye? How—why did this happen to me?

Now, I look into the mirror and have no idea who the person staring back at me is.

Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd. That’s who I’ve been for the last eleven years of my life. That’s all I’ve known. That’s who I’m supposed to be, but somewhere along the way, I stopped being that person and I turned into Satan, the adulterous bitch, the obligation, someone I thought I would never become. And now? Now, I’m not even that anymore.

My marriage is over; really over. There’s no use pretending anymore. My soon-to-be-ex-husband is in love with Meredith Grey and I’ve accepted that, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It hurts so much, knowing that the man you once saw as the love of your life doesn’t love you anymore, doesn’t care about you anymore.

This morning I let it finally sink in and the pain was unbearable. I tried to numb the pain with alcohol and it worked for most of the day. The day is pretty much a blur. I remember going to Richard’s office and asking for the day off. I remember going to Joe’s and the rest are mere fragments within my mind. Muffins…bourbon…phone call….10 pm…bourbon…martini…hotel…Mark.

Mark is here. He flew in from New York after I’d called and talked to him; a conversation I cannot remember for the life of me. The image of him standing in the doorway of this hotel room is hazy, but it’s there. There had been some crying and hugging, and then there was the shower. I can’t remember much, but I’m certain nothing happened…Pretty sure.

By the end of that, I’d sobered up some and the rest plays like a movie in slow motion. Derek came and apologized. Mark came out of the shower. Derek left me sitting there, staring at the door as he walked out and it closed. Rather symbolic if you think about it; Derek walking out on our marriage, putting a possibly permanent barrier between us.

I really don’t know how to feel or where to go. Mark’s here now, making things more complicated, making the things in my head jumble up even more. He’s here. He’s always here. And most importantly, he cares. What do I make of it and where do I take this?

A book with the answers to life’s many questions would be really helpful right about now. If only one truly existed, things would be so much easier and simpler then.

[mood| crushed]
[music| Broken - Seether]