I'm scared; truly and utterly scared. Everything that is happening, everything that is going to happen scares me. I hate to be so pessimistic, but things are going well right now, a little too well, and I'm scared that it's all just going to crumble around me.

Mark is being...Mark, and he won't stop being perfect. He keeps saying the most breathtaking things and I just can't think when I'm around him. I just want everything to be perfect for us. I've fought for my dying marriage for too long, I don't think I have the strength to fight any longer. I need this to be perfect. I need this to work out. I want us to live happily ever after in the end. I'm sure that won't ever be the case, but I wish it'd turn out as close to 'happily ever after' as possible.

And Derek and I are on speaking terms. That's a good thing I suppose. Everything's a little awkward, but it's alright. Derek as an individual however, not so good. Mark, unfortunately, did quite a number on his arm, but luckily it's nothing time won't heal.

Time. It's all we have and all we really need. Time will eventually take the pain away. It will bring more moments of happiness, but also more moments of pain. God, I don't want to go through everything I did with Derek all over again. I really don't think I could handle another failed relationship, which brings up the possibility of a baby.

I know I'm not pregnant. I'm almost positive I'm not; it's just a feeling. But Mark really wants this baby. Why? I really don't know. My marriage isn't over, we haven't gotten married, we haven't really done anything. But he wants this baby so I guess I do too because he wants it. How I'm going to handle being pregnant, I don't know either. But I'm certain I'm not so I have some time to figure it out.

I really don't know what the future holds, and I'm a little scared to find out. I hope the pains of ending my marriage officially is minimal. I'm wishing that things stay the way they are between Mark and I. I want everything to be great. But what if that doesn't happen?